This Post Is Dark And Full Of Spoilers
Let’s start off by talking about Jon Snow, when we last left him, he had been stabbed, repeatedly, by members of the Night’s Watch, who were less than happy with his deal with the Wildlings… (Et tu Ollie?) This season picked up where the last ended, and Jon is still, quite definitely dead, but I don’t expect that to change any time soon.
Ser Davos Seaworth, is rapidly becoming my favourite character in the show, so naturally I am now terrified that his gratuitously violent death is imminent. (#PleaseDontGeorge) Liam Cunningham is a national treasure I tell you! Davos, Ghost and a handful of brothers are guarding the late commander’s body, hoping that help arrives before Biggus Dickus himself smashes down the door, or Jon rises from the dead like a misty eyed snow zombie…
Down in Dorne, the Sand Snakes, after much hype last season, finally decided to get up off of their arses and actually do something! Led by Ellaria Sand, they take the throne in Dorne, in their own special, not so subtle way…and by that I mean stabbing, STAB STAB STAB! Bye bye Doran, bye bye Trystane, bye bye….uh… big hulking bodyguard dude with the personality of wet cardboard.
Stab death murder stab was brought to you via raven! Doran’s attempt to play the long game was thwarted by Ellaria, the moment that she poisoned sweet, sugar and spice Myrcella. Which leads us onto Jaime and Cersei, the wonder twins of Westeros! He is simmering slowly, soon to be a bubbling vat of vengeance, whereas Cersei seems to be more worried more about her daughter’s appearance and less about the fact that her actual life was snuffed out. Well, at least now she’s paying heed to the prophecy by Maggy the Frog…
Up North, Ramsay is grieving over what’s her face, the kennel master’s daughter, which to be honest, is really weird to watch, like when that one guard is crying over the dead rancor in Return of the Jedi. Then that fleeting moment of pity absconded when he decided that her meat should be fed to the dogs. Dick.
Still up North, Sansa and the creature formally known as Theon have fled Winterfell (and that doucheface Ramsay) and are being hunted by Bolton men and their favourite, the hounds. Just when we thought they were screwed, Brienne to the rescue! I’m not going to lie, I whooped and did a Breakfast Club fist pump when she rode in with Podrick in tow. It’s nice to see Brienne fulfil her oath to Catelyn, even if it was post mortem. Plus, it’s interesting to see Sansa’s progression, from the little lady, who wanted nothing more to be a princess and have babies, to this woman, worlds away from that life, having to be fed her lines by Podrick.
Over to Essos and Daenerys was involved in some of the show’s more comedic moments. Although she went from being a bound prisoner of the Dothraki, to being, well, a different kind of prisoner. She’s going to be carted off to the live out the rest of her years with all the other widows of Khals. Luckily Daario and Jorah are on her trail. Thanks to Jorah spending all of that time with the Dothraki, I’m pretty sure he’ll figure out where she’s headed, but hopefully he’ll get to her before he turns into The Thing.
Our favourite comedy duo are dealing with zealots, sabotage and poorly translated gestures that make people think that dwarves want to eat children. However, between the two of them, I’m sure Tyrion and Varys will manage not to completely destroy Mereen before the Mother of Dragons returns.
Arya on the other hand, is still blind, begging on the streets and being harassed by that blonde chick, who clearly has no other friends, or hobbies, like seriously girl, learn to knit or something, sheesh. I expect this is the beginning of a long training session that will turn Lady Stark into the Daredevil of Braavos.
Finally, let’s talk about the red woman, Melisandre. Oh my, oh my, everyone and their granny have been talking about this. There are many, many theories that we will discuss at a later date, however, let’s just deal with what we know, which I’m sure you’ve seen by now. Melisandre has, um, had some work done… Turns out the Red Priestess has been fibbing about her age by quite a number of years, perhaps a century or four…. In other news, Melisandre seems downtrodden, almost as if she’s losing her faith, she backed Stannis Baratheon, only to see him defeated. She saw Jon Snow, fighting at Winterfell, but his cold, dead corpse lying on a table in the next room. What’s a girl to do huh? Take off your makeup and chill.