Not In The Mood For You Dude

(Or 25 Reasons Why I Don’t Want to Have Sex During Pregnancy)

WARNING: I am very, very unashamedly brutally honest here, so if you don’t want to hear about the difficulties/bodily functions suffered by a heavily pregnant woman, then I suggest that you go read something else. It’s for your own good, really.

  • I watched a bunch of Upworthy videos and now I’m far too emotional to touch you
  • I think I have piles, and I’m sure you don’t want to check
  • You keep making blowjob jokes and my gag reflex is far too sensitive and now I feel sick
  • Heartburn and acid reflux are killing me right now
  • The baby is constantly pressing against my bladder, if you try and dip your wick, then I’m pretty sure my vagina will just implode
  • My morning sickness is so severe that I vomit when I sit still, let alone when I rock
  • I’m so very, very constipated
  • I also had a bout of diarrhoea
  • You joked that your dinner wasn’t ready
  • You mentioned that a girl was pretty and now I want to gouge your eyes out with a fork
  • I sneezed and wet myself, badly
  • Breathing is difficult, I had to take a break just going up the stairs
  • I remembered those Upworthy videos and I can’t stop crying
  • I had a craving for Phish Food ice cream and Cool Ranch Doritos and I’m not sure that I can move
  • Pain is rippling through every part of my body
  • The baby kicked and now I feel like it knows
  • I feel like a hippo, and not one of those graceful hippoes from Fantasia, oh no, a sweaty, frumpy, overstretched, repulsive hippo that everyone mocks at the zoo
  • You ate the last tea cake, you are now dead to me
  • Pointing out how HUGE my belly is, is not a turn on, surprisingly
  • Creating life is tiring stuff, I need all of the naps
  • My to-do list keeps getting longer, I’m stressed, overwhelmed and I need your help, not your sexual advances
  • There is a head poking me in the bladder, feet poking me in the lungs, I don’t think I can handle being poked anywhere else right now
  • Your hair smells like mashed potatoes, I don’t know why, but it does, and it’s really off-putting
  • You left dirty socks on the floor, again, I hate you
  • I’ve been farting constantly for the last two hours and the smell has made me nauseous
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4 thoughts on “Not In The Mood For You Dude

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