This post is dark and full of spoilers…
Warning to one and all, if you have yet to watch the most recent episode of Game of Thrones, and DO NOT want be spoiled, then stop reading, go watch it, and then come back and read this!
Let’s start from the top shall we, and by the top I mean the North, and by the North, I mean Castle Black. The relatively recent undead Jon Snow treats the viewers to a bit of exposition, finally telling everyone that his frankly flimsy contract with the Night’s Watch was null and void at the moment of his death. Thank the Gods he cleared that one up. Before Sulky McBeardface could trudge off into the..uh..night, he was stopped by the arrival of the three amigos. Brienne, Sansa and Podrick make it to the Wall, and we didn’t have to deal with yet another ships in the night Stark fiasco. Sansa and Jon reminisce about the good old days, while Brienne rubs Stannis’ death in the faces of Melisandre and Davos. All of this malarkey comes to a sudden halt when a letter arrives from Ramsay, scourge of the North, declaring that not only does he have Rickon Stark, but he’s going to send his army up to slaughter everyone. Them be fighting words boy!
Can we just take a moment to appreciate the ginger glory that is Tormund, he should het 10 points just for his meat-knawing, power stare seduction technique. Oh my, what a guy. (What I like gingers, get over it.)
Let’s just get the arse that is Ramsay over and done with, eugh I hate him so much. First off, he really enjoys peeling the skin off of things, I mean dude, it’s an apple, not the pale white flesh of your enemies. I had such high hopes for Osha, I really did, but then she goes and gets herself stabbed in the throat, because… Ramsay likes to play with his food, I guess..? F*ck Ramsay. Dick.
Over in the Eyrie, Robin Arryn is just failing at life, in general. I want to smack him with the sensible stick. Except then I realise that he probably has some sort of learning difficulty and I’m a horrible human being. Littlefinger, or the master of puppets as I like to call him, gently nudges the young Lord of the Vale to send his army to help Sansa and fight the Bolton foe. If you’ve been counting that’s two whole armies behind Sansa, the Vale and the Wildlings.
Theon lands in Pike, and cries a bit, because of course he does. He’s a shell of the man he once was, but after some sniffling and snivelling, he manages to (I think) reconcile with his sister Yara. Oh, but only after she accuses him of showing up for the Kingsmoot in an attempt to steal her place. Hmm and she happens to mention that she received his castrated penis as a present from Ramsay…Awkward…
In King’s Landing we are regaled by the story of how the High Sparrow found his way. Cliff notes version, he woke up with what I can only assume was the worst hangover known to man, decided to hell being a cobbler, nobody needs shoes, and pisses off to live with the poor. Margaery seems to be holding her own, luckily enough, but Loras is crumbling, if they don’t get out soon, who knows what will happen. Fortunately, Kevan Lannister, Lady Olenna and the wonder twins make a tempestuous alliance in order to prevent Margaery from having to do the walk of shame. They are taking on the Faith Militant, so this should be interesting.
Ah sweet Tyrion, the pocket sized protector of the realm. He’s in Mereen, using his political prowess to appease the masters of Slavers’ Bay and bring peace. Missandei and Grey Worm get all pissy with Tyrion because he gives the slavers 7 years to phase out their current business model for a new, less stomping on the bones of the poor one.
Jorah and Daario are throwing a bit of banter back and forth, until Daario sees that the old bear has some dry skin issues which will really need to get looked at soon. They break into Vaes Dothrak to “rescue” Daenerys, naturally. However, she decides that it’s probably better if she saves herself. Oh and becomes the grand high Poobah of the entire Dothraki people. So now she has a huuuuuuuuuge army, three dragons and a rickety alliance with people she hates, thanks to Tyrion. Well now. Hmmm. Let’s see how this goes shall we?
What did you think of this week’s episode? Did anyone else forget that Bran existed? Let me know in the comments down below and don’t forget you can follow me on instagram, snapchat, twitter and facebook!